Failure.

Writing about failure after not writing so long seems like kind of a depressing thing to write about.  But then, January is almost over.  We're giving up on resolutions, if we still even hang onto the hazy memory of what they were.  I imagine that, on January 25th, I am not alone in my failings.  And, my failing was what was exceptional enough to write about today! 

Today I felt like I had a failure breakthrough.  Basically everything I did today was a failure - a failure to be where I needed to be, when I needed to be there, to talk about the projects that in all honesty aren't going that well; a failure to get things moved off the mounting list of things to do...as a matter of fact...did anything budge from that list??  I think not; a failure to understand driving in Richmond, there and back, subsequently followed by a failure to pick up my two year old daughter in a timely manner, subsequently followed by a failure to even be there when my five year old got off the bus.  And that's just today, if I think about the week I forsee more failure in the forecast.  There are about to be several things that I am just not going to succeed at.  But today, the failure all came together in that stormy, "can't one thing go right today?" kind of way.  It was all overshadowed by grief, stress, doubt, and pregnancy hormones that made the kiddie pool of failure feel like an ocean of failure.  

The breakthrough part came when I realized that, sometimes, in fact, everything can and does go wrong.  When it did, I found the joyful surprise of having people there that I didn't know would be there, and patience in me which I never expected was even possible - but it was not a stunt double(!), the comfort of verses I didn't even know were in my memory, and resolve to do tommorrow better.  So, basically today I learned that even when I manage to fail at everything, I have a community and a family and a God that will be right there with me in it.  I think it's still fair to chalk up any day like that in the "win" column.