Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Life as a Journey

It has been awhile since I posted. I felt this need to put into words the fact that my grandma is dying, because it is important in our lives. Yet, as a new person to "blogging" it feels weird to try to put something that personal into words. Here's my attempt.

Anyway, last week my mom told me I needed to come home if I wanted to say goodbye. I am so glad I had the opportunity to say goodbye. Lily came, and laid down with Hazel for several long stretches. Children are great at bridging so many difficult situations, and it was wonderful to see Hazel's eyes light up and a smile on her face while she got to be the great grandma. It reminded me of seeing little baby Abi in Les's arms in the midst of his illness.

Anyway, without going into great detail, I got to be home with Hazel for four days. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. I had to say goodbye, knowing it would be the last time I could wrap my hands around her neck. There is no way to tell someone how important they have been in your life, at the end of their life. I tried writing a letter about it, but it became a novel in my mind, a mountainous task at 3am. Instead, I just covered her in kisses and tears and hugs and smiles, and finally, said goodbye, which tumbled out of my mouth and onto my feet like a pound of bricks. I have never been less excited to get on an airplane -- it was like being ripped in half.

It had never occured to me that my kids would grow up without her...I can add and all, I just kind of thought that maybe she would be with us forever. (And, I know in that spiritual-metaphorical-memory way she will be...but that kind of "be with us forever" can't load up cattle and take the kids to a sale you know?)

So, I am happy that she is on her way home, I am sad that it hurts so much to leave this place, I want to scoop my mother up and take her away on a long vacation, and be gentler and more present with my own family. I want to be a better person before I die. I am tired.

1 comment:

Tracy said...

You brought tears to my eyes as I read this post, for I could feel your pain. Having gone through this twice since our oldest was born I know all too well the sadness you feel when you have to say goodbye to someone so dear. I hope you and your family are able to have some peace when she is gone.